The term 'co-dependency' can sometimes cause confusion. The concept emerged in the 1980s as a description of a set of behavioural symptoms and emotional difficulties displayed by the spouses and family members of dependent addicts and alcoholics (hence 'co-dependent'). The term grew in popularity alongside an increasing awareness amongst recovering addicts and addiction therapists that addiction is a pattern that extends beyond the life of the addicted individual to include a network of relationships which both sustains and is sustained by the drinking or using and associated behaviours of the addicted individual. The patterns that were identified included the tendency of those close to the addicted individual to engage in 'enabling behaviour', often completely unconsciously.
Co-dependency as a concept is used today in a broader sense where a co-dependent’s self-worth, value, purpose and self-image are defined in relation to their value to others: as a carer, helper or provider of love, prioritising the feelings of others over their own. Frequently, there is a family history of addiction, although this need not be the case. Co-dependency is often a secondary condition suffered by addicts themselves.
Co-dependency is thus an addiction-related condition which manifests in relationships. It centres around a mis-location of the sense of self-worth and identity: the co-dependent becomes entangled in a perpetual cycle of excessive caregiving (in whatever form) and requirement for reciprocal reassurance, approval and sustenance from others which never seems to be enough. This frequently results in a deep sense of personal unfulfilment and injustice directed towards others and the world at large.
In families where a parent is co-dependent the child/children often feel suffocated and controlled, or become helpless and unmotivated. They frequently display profound resistance to ‘letting the parent in’ and report experiencing an unconscious fear of losing themselves, despite the parent usually being motivated by a desire to help. This damaging and painful stalemate can be successfully addressed through therapeutic intervention.
At its most simple, co-dependency is the over-indulgence of care for others to the detriment of self. In this sense it is similar to the use of any other addictive process, for example gambling or alcohol, in order to alter feelings with detrimental long-term results. It is treated in the same basic way as an addiction because it displays so many of the attributes of addiction such as the need for control, the tendency towards self-destruction, the cyclical involvement in resentments, the acute experience of shame and a sense of being trapped in an unmanageable emotional chaos.
What makes co-dependency so pernicious and difficult to get to grips with is that its dysfunctional components appear clothed in the trappings of 'goodness', 'selflessness', 'love' and 'giving'. The co-dependent’s self-image is often dependent at a deep level on their role as a giver, a selfless person who cares deeply about the feelings of others, feels keenly on others’ behalf, and whose role in the world is to provide love and support to those around them. It can be very painful for the co-dependent to be met with the suggestion that all their tireless and thankless caring for others (as they see it) is the result of a condition which is fundamentally self-centred. Unravelling this paradox is where recovery from co-dependency begins.
Fortunately, help is available. The understanding of this condition is now well advanced; at Charter we have particular expertise in the family and relationship dynamics involved in co-dependency and have successfully helped many people to regain a sense of their own worth and identity through our treatment programmes as well as family support groups and one-to-one and conjoint sessions.